I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
