Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Randomize
