i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
