I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
