Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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