No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
