Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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