I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
