whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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