Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
