just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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