I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
