a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
