you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
