And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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