I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
is wine microwaveable?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
