I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
