I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
