That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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