How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
