how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I didn't notice because vodka
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
