i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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