That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
