i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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