i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i think we sleep fucked last night...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
