if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
