News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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