Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This is my gift to your gina
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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