remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
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some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
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