Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
