possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
