she was so not down for the gang bang
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We are all done wearing pants today
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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