I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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