if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
