you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
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