I'm really into asian looking animals
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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