hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
