if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
