Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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