If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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