Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
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"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
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The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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