hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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