I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
