I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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