I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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