there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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