Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
