I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
