Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
