Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
