Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
