i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
