When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
