It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
