She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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