walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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