Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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