I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
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I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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