saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
