I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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