Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
